The Tuesday-morning test of real freedom
Viktor Frankl wrote, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” It’s a beautiful quote—until it’s 8:37 a.m. on a Tuesday and your inbox is on fire, your child is melting down, and a colleague’s “Just checking in…” message lands like a punch.
In my work with leaders and high performers, we return to this moment again and again: the space between stimulus and response. Not the dramatic crossroads. The micro-second between “I’m triggered” and “I’m about to say something I’ll regret.” That tiny gap is where your real freedom lives.
Choice point (definition): a choice point is the brief moment when you can pause, notice what’s happening, and pick a response that matches your values—rather than reacting on autopilot.
The problem is modern life compresses that gap until it feels welded shut. People quietly decide, “I’m just wired this way,” and then build an identity around automatic reactions: “I’m impatient.” “I’m bad with conflict.” “I always overreact.”
But behavioral psychology and neuroscience point to a more hopeful truth: many reactions are well-practiced loops, not destiny.1 When a stimulus hits—tone, email, memory—your nervous system can flood with adrenaline, narrowing perception and turning thinking into urgency. The mind whispers, “Fix it now.” That’s when the space collapses. Yet even then, you can create a sliver of room—enough to choose.
Why your brain collapses the space (and why that’s not a character flaw)
Most of us don’t lose freedom in cinematic ways. We lose it in small, ordinary moments: snapping at a partner, sending the email too fast, doom-scrolling instead of resting, saying yes when your whole body is a no. These micro-reactions quietly become your “personality,” when they’re often just your nervous system doing its job too aggressively.
Here’s the key: once your body enters fight-or-flight, the brain prioritizes speed over nuance. That chemical surge can linger 40–60 minutes, meaning you may still be “arguing” in your physiology long after the moment has passed. During that window, your thinking tends to go rigid: black-and-white, personal, catastrophic. You interpret neutral cues as threats and feedback as rejection.
This is why Irena Golob (yes, me) insists on one principle with leaders: don’t make value-based decisions in an adrenaline storm. From my coaching work in behavioral transformation, I’ve seen that the fastest “regret reactions” almost always happen when people skip the pause and try to think their way out of a body-level stress response. Not because you’re weak. Because your biology is temporarily biased toward protection, not perspective.
So the practice isn’t “never get triggered.” The practice is learning to recognize activation early and widen the gap before you act. Even a one-minute pause can shift enough physiology to bring more choice online.2
How do you create the space between stimulus and response?
One of the most practical tools I teach comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT, a skills-based therapy for emotional regulation): the STOP skill.
DBT STOP skill (definition): a short, step-by-step pause practice—Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed mindfully—used to reduce impulsive reactions and widen choice under stress.
It’s not poetic. It’s mechanical. And that’s why it works when you’re not at your best.
One of the most practical tools I teach comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT, a skills-based therapy for emotional regulation): the STOP skill. It’s not poetic. It’s mechanical. And that’s why it works when you’re not at your best.
- S: Stop. Freeze. Don’t send the text. Don’t hit “Reply all.” Don’t walk into the room with your speech loaded.
- T: Take a step back. Step away, or take one slow breath with a longer exhale. Tell yourself: “Not yet.”
- O: Observe. Name what’s happening: What am I feeling? What story is my mind telling? What are the facts? Notice body cues—heat in the chest, jaw tension, tunnel vision.
- P: Proceed mindfully. Not perfectly—intentionally. Ask: What response matches my values and goals, not my adrenaline?
People often tell me, “There’s no way I’ll remember an acronym when I’m furious.” Fair. Remembering just the word STOP is already a win. The goal is to interrupt momentum.
If you’ve ever wondered, “How do I stop reacting so fast when I’m triggered?” start here: don’t aim for calm—aim for one beat of interruption. That’s often enough to prevent the automatic reply, the sharp tone, or the defensive justification that escalates everything.
Try this in a locally familiar moment: you’re on a packed commute, someone cuts in, and you feel the surge. STOP doesn’t make you serene. It helps you choose “arrive with dignity” over “arrive with regret.”
Protect the space by simplifying your environment and your timing
A common question is, “Why do I overreact to small things?” Often it’s not the event—it’s accumulated load: poor sleep, constant inputs, unresolved stress, or too many micro-decisions. When your system is already maxed out, a minor cue can feel like a threat, and the space between stimulus and response disappears.
There’s a layer we don’t discuss enough: the environment you live in is training your nervous system. Constant notifications, visual clutter, endless micro-decisions—these drain the exact resources you need to pause.
If you’re asking, “What should I do in the moment when I’m angry?” choose one micro-action: exhale slowly, unclench your jaw, and delay your response by even 60 seconds. You’re not avoiding the issue—you’re giving your nervous system time to downshift so your reply can be accurate, not reactive.
Think of your nervous system as a battery. Every open tab, every ping, every “What should I wear/eat/answer?” is a small withdrawal. By midday, you can be running on fumes. In that state, the space between stimulus and response shrinks dramatically. You’re not failing—you’re overloaded.
Simplifying is not an aesthetic project; it’s an emotional regulation strategy. Start with small protections:
- Reduce inputs: turn off nonessential notifications; keep one “check-in” window for messages.
- Lower friction: declutter one surface you see daily; create a default breakfast or work-start routine.
- Use time as a tool: when activated, ask: “Does this truly need handling now?” Often the wisest move is: “I want to respond well—let’s revisit this in an hour.”
Mindfulness here isn’t about floating above life. It’s about becoming a sharper observer—the “O” in STOP. When you observe, you reconnect to values: How do I want to lead? Love? Speak? The space becomes a bridge from autopilot to alignment.
If you want a simple starting point, choose one recurring trigger this week and practice inserting one conscious breath before responding. If you want deeper tools, you’ll find more structured practices on my Website. This is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional advice. Consult a qualified expert for personal guidance.
Between what happens and what you do next, there is always a space. Protect it. Practice it. Expand it—breath by breath, choice by choice. That is where real freedom begins.